


Human Reproduction

by SilverMyfanwy



Series: One Spiderkid and his Clan [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Domestic Avengers, Education, Embarrassment, Gen, Good Peter, High School, I repeat, NO SEX IN IT, No Sex, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sex Education, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-10-28 03:50:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17780039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMyfanwy/pseuds/SilverMyfanwy
Summary: Peter always knew that sex-ed at school was going to be mediocre at best.He just hadn't quite expected it to be a video of Captain America stumbling his way through the bare minimum of straight sex, and now he will never look at him the same way again, which is a problem, considering they live in the same building and they're going to be eating dinner together that night.





	Human Reproduction

**Author's Note:**

> This one's a bit more grown up than the rest.  
> This fic is on Wattpad, posted by Tanisha_Tabassum. She has my permission to do this.

Peter had been dreading biology all week.

Technically it was health class, but just saying those words next to each other out loud made him feel sick.

Taking home the permission slip for May to sign had been bad enough- he’d not been able to look at her for two days without turning red after she asked him if he’d rather have her explain human reproduction to him than a teacher- and the actual class was set to be disastrous as MJ had decided she was going to be campaigning for better sex-ed by attempting to hijack the lesson.

Things only got worse when Peter and Ned arrived at the lesson with the rest of the class and the teacher was nowhere to be seen.

“MJ,” Peter asked under his breath. “Do you know why Mr Green isn’t here?”

“Nope. It wasn’t me, but,” MJ grinned and pulled a folder out of her bag, “now I can get on with my lesson plan.”

The PE teacher entered, took one look at the folder MJ was holding, and sighed. “Do you want to take the lesson?”

She nodded.

“Well, I really don’t, so don’t kill each other and I’m going to see if my boss will let you teach the lesson.” the PE teacher started walking out of the room but stopped halfway through the doorway and turned around. He pointed at MJ. “Don’t you _dare_  start teaching without permission.”

MJ scowled and started drumming her fingers on the desk.

-

“3:27, 3:28, 3:2-” MJ turned off the stopwatch on her phone as the PE teacher returned. “Can I teach the lesson?”

The teacher sighed. “’fraid not. You get to watch a Rapping with Cap clip instead.”

MJ picked up her bag and left the classroom. The teacher looked rather relieved. He walked to the front of the room and addressed the class. “I don’t want to be here any more than you do, I’m not authorised to answer any questions so you can just wait for Mr Green to get back and ask him. I’m gonna put the video on and we’re all going to be adults here, ok?”

The video began and Peter put his head in his hands. Ned patted his back sympathetically.

“Human reproduction, um, human… reproduction… is… the… uh… process by which babies, are, uh, made. The, uh, penis enters the… vagina during… s-sexual intercourse and upon… ejaculation a sperm cell joins with an egg and creates a fetus in the woman’s uterus.” Captain America fumbled awkwardly. The video ended.

Peter turned to face Ned, face blank with horror. “I’m having dinner at the compound tonight and he’s going to be there. Oh no, no, no. Swallow me up now, ground.”  

-

Peter managed to keep himself together the whole journey from school to home and found that as long as he kept his back to the Captain America poster on his wall, he didn’t wince. He did his homework, packed his bag, said goodbye to May and then Happy came to collect him.

“Alright kid?” Happy got out of the car and took Peter’s bag for him.

Peter nodded. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Tony’s had his phone off for three days, it’s been wonderful.”

They made small talk for most of the journey but Peter’s stomach began to turn as they got closer to the tower. “Hey Happy, d’you know if Cap’s gonna be there tonight? At dinner?”

“I think so. Why?”

“Oh, nothing.” Peter’s voice squeaked rather more than he would have liked it too.

Happy frowned at Peter in the mirror but didn’t say anything.

They arrived at the tower and Happy dropped Peter off, then drove away. Peter took a deep breath and walked in to take the lift up to the dining room.

“Good evening, Peter.” JARVIS greeted him. “How was your day?”

“Awful. We had sex-ed and the health teacher wasn’t there and MJ wasn’t allowed to teach the lesson so we had a Rapping with Cap video instead.” Peter said. “Don’t tell anyone about it, though. I don’t want them to know. Do you know if Cap’s gonna be at dinner tonight?

“I believe that Captain Rogers will be at dinner tonight.”

Peter groaned again. “Is he there already?”

“No.”

“Do you know when’s going to be there?”

“No.”

Peter sighed. “Thanks anyway.”

The lift stopped and the doors opened. Sam was cooking and Tony and Clint were doing something on the floor with a magnet and an arrow. Sam looked up and grinned. “Hey kid. They’re sciencing, if you’re interested.”

“Not really. What’s for dinner?” Peter got out of the lift, put his bag on a chair and walked over to the oven. “What the-”

“That’s a cold cure, not dinner.” Sam said hastily as Peter looked at the grey goo in horror. “There’s chicken in the oven, and potatoes, and there’s a salad in the fridge as well.”

Peter gave a sigh of relief.

The others started to trickle in and took their places at the table. The food was dished out and then Steve and Bucky arrived.

Peter went bright red and didn’t look at Steve. He didn’t say anything, just kept his head down and ate. Conversation went as normal and Peter was just beginning to think that he might manage to survive the meal when Tony asked him how his day had been.

“Alright.” Peter mumbled. He could feel his cheeks burning.

“Are you ok?” Bruce asked. “You’ve been red for the past twenty minutes, have you got a fever?”

“I’m fine.” Peter said hastily.

Tony set his fork down. “I don’t believe you. Jarvis?”

“Mr Parker is physically fine, sir.” Jarvis reported.

“What’s going on, Peter?” Tony asked.

Peter looked up from his plate and found everyone looking at him. He gulped. Nat began to spin a knife between her fingers. Peter took a deep breath. “We had sex-ed today.”

There was silence. Clint broke it. “Did you not know how babies were made?”

“I did, but,” Peter swallowed, “it was a Rapping with Cap video.”

“A what?” Bucky asked.

A look of utter glee came onto Tony’s face. “No one’s told you about the Rapping with Cap videos?”

Steve went bright red and buried his face in his hands.

“What are they?” Bucky asked cautiously. “And what’s it go to do with the Spiderkid’s sex-ed?”

“I-uh, I did some videos for the education system, promoting hygiene and following rules and healthy eating and stuff.” Steve mumbled.

“Following rules? Following rules? You hypocrite! You tried to enlist for the army and lied on your entry form every time, Steve, why are you teaching kids about rule following?” Bucky blanched. “And did you say sex-ed?”

Peter nodded.

“Human reproduction.” Steve corrected.

Bucky began to howl with laughter, to the point where he fell off his chair and continued laughing on the floor.

“Would you like to see?” the glint in Tony’s eyes was rivaling that of Loki’s.

Bucky could barely nod he was laughing so much.

Tony got a tablet out to find the video for him. Bucky got back on his chair but fell off soon afterwards.

“Why are you laughing?” Steve asked mournfully.

Bucky ignored him. “Are there more?” he asked Tony.

Tony lined up the rest of the videos and Steve pouted. “Bucky.”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky said. “But I never thought I’d see my husband doing something like this, I. Man.”

“I was only tryna do some good.” Steve said.

“Yeah, well, that sex-ed isn’t gonna do you much good. Peter?” Nat stood up. “I made a power point.”

“On what?” Peter asked cautiously.

“Sex-ed. Come on.” Nat started to walk away.

Peter looked at the others for help.

“Don’t look at us, we had a vote for who should give you the talk and we agreed Nat should do it.” Sam said.

Peter groaned and put his head in his hands.

-

True to Nat’s word, she had made a power point.

Peter sat at the far end of the table in one of the conference rooms and watched as Natasha pulled a memory stick out of her hair and plugged it into a laptop.

“You ready?”

“No.”

The first slide appeared and Peter slid under the table.

-

One hour and thirty-seven minutes later, Peter walked into the lounge and glared long and hard at the rest of the Avengers. “Sex-ed was awful.”

“Awful as in really-badly-taught, or a horrible experience?” Tony asked.

“Horrible experience.”

“But at least you now know the names of every brand of condom available in the US.” Nat entered behind him.

“That was not something I wanted to be able to do.” Peter ignored the guffaws and sat down next to Wanda, who patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Why didn’t Wanda get it too?”

“I watched a Youtube video.” Wanda said simply.

“Not fair!”


End file.
